


Home Alone: The Battle of Hogwarts

by Kosaji



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Home Alone (Movies)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-14 03:05:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14761406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kosaji/pseuds/Kosaji
Summary: Based off this prompt from writing-prompt.tumblr.com:  Harry, Hermione, and Ron arekilledearly in their search for Horcruxes. Voldemort orders a full invasion of Hogwarts to find the remaining ones. In a panic, Hogwarts is evacuated. One student slept through the evacuation order: 4th year American transfer student Kevin McCallister.





	1. Chapter 1

The alarm rang throughout the castle. The Dark Lord had set his sights upon Hogwarts.   
  
The Houses were in a panic, students hurriedly packing as the professors organized the evacuation. Slytherins, Hufflepuffs, Ravenclaws and Gryffindors alike left their dormitories with trunks half packed, hurried by teachers desperate to get them out of the castle. Students left in groups via Floo or (illegal) portkeys to safe houses or back to the muggle world, where it was marginally safer.   
  
In the midst of the chaos a fourth year Slytherin boy turned over with a groan, waving his wand to cast a silencing spell. He didn't care what his roommates were up to now, it was Friday night after Astronomy - he deserved some sleep! He pulled his pillowed over his head for good measure, as slowly Hogwarts evacuated.  
  
The next morning Kevin McAllister sat alone in the Great Hall, looking around in disbelief.  
  
It was just like being nine all over again!  
  


  
  
"First things first," Kevin decided looking over the Great Hall from the Headmaster's seat like a King overlooking his Court.   
  
His rather empty and sad looking Court, but that wasn't too important.  
  
"I need some breakfast."   
  
_Snap!_  
  
Kevin jumped as a little grey looking figure popped beside him.  
  
"Mr. McAllister sir should not be in Headmaster's seat, no sir!" The house elf squeaked, staring up at Kevin with watery dark eyes.  
  
"But there isn't a Headmaster anyone, all the wizards have left, look!" Kevin waved an arm around the empty hall. "Where is everyone anyways?"  
  
The house elf wrung its hands together. "Because of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named sir! Professor McGonagall ordered the school evacuated, and Headmaster Snape left the school! You need to leave too."  
  
"So what, wizard Darth Vader is coming to the school?" Kevin asked, feeling a sense of deja vu.   
  
The house elf nodded violently. "Yes! You must leave now, it is dangerous!"  
  
Yup, definitely familiar.   
  
"Wait a minute, how come you're still here if the castle's evacuated? What's your name anyways?"   
  
The elf blinked, his eyes watering even further as he clasped his hands to his chest. "Sir is asking for lowly elf's name! I is Terry, Mr.McAllister sir. I and the rest of the house elves serve Hogwarts. We will stay to serve it and the people in it, no matter what!"  
  
Even if the people pretty much abandoned you to Dark wizards? Kevin thought.   
  
"But if you serve the wizards in the castle, and I'm the only wizard here, that means that I'm pretty much in charge of keep the school safe, right?" Kevin asked.   
  
Terry's eyes popped. "Yous would keep the castle safe from Dark Wizards?"  
  
"Well, yeah," Kevin shrugged. "Just because you're here alone doesn't mean you should be helpless. Besides, at this point I'm an expert at dealing with home invasions."  
  
To Kevin's surprise Terry started bawling into the pillowcase he was wearing. "M-Mr. McAllister is t-too kind. We house elves will do all w-we can to help!" Terry sniffled.  
  
"Well I could use some food," Kevin said.  
  
Terry perked up, wiping his face and snapped his fingers. A plate of pancakes, fruit and bacon appeared in front of Kevin, steaming hot.   
  
"Wicked."  

  
  
House elves, Kevin decided, were the best things ever.   
  
"This is alls that was left behind in the girls dormitories," Terry said, following Kevin from the dorm to the Common Room. Kevin hummed and nodded at the decent pile of magical and non-magical items piled on the deep green rug, adding his own gains to it and making it wobble precariously. He already collected a bunch of rope, some of the Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes products, and a LOT of spell books left behind.   
  
"Are yous going in the other dorms too?" Terry asked, snapping his fingers. The pile of useful looking items disappeared from the Slytherin Common Room to the Great Hall where Kevin set up. The Death Eaters were coming on Monday, guess even evil liked to have their vacations off.  
  
"I thought you couldn't go the other dorms?" Kevin asked. Terry twisted his pillowcase, his ears flicking down and back.   
  
"Well..." Terry hedged.   
  
"I've always wondered what they all looked like," Kevin mused, already climbing out of the Common room.   
  
Terry made a resigned sound and followed behind.

  
  
"So I get why they got all the kids out, but where are the professors?"  
  
Kevin asked while digging through the treasure trove of prank items he found in Gryffindor's tower. Nimby, and elderly house elf who was in charge paused in organizing the books from Ravenclaw Tower.  
  
"Professor McGonagall ordered the castle defenses ready. She be thinking that the Dark Lord's men will come here and the professors go get the Ministry. They come back for Hogwarts when the Dark Lord is too busy celebrating his victory." Nimby sniffed, turning to shoo another elf carrying feathers to another table in the Great Hall.   
  
"The good old divide and conquer," Kevin nodded, waving his wand over the loot in front of them. "Say, you wouldn't happen to have some glue, would you?"  
  
Nimby shook her head. "Not here, Drawe go check the Come and Go Room." She ordered a young looking elf.   
  
Kevin looked up, wand frozen where it was spelling a set of crystal wind chimes. "What's the Come and Go Room?"  
  
Ten minutes later Kevin looked up at the towering stacks of sheer STUFF packed into a room that shouldn't exist, mind whirling away. "Ok, I can work with this. Someone come get a ladder."  
  
Kevin hit jackpot as he combs through the room, right between a tarnished Tiara and a pile of handbags was a crate, labeled Mr.Witman's Everlasting Glue- Guaranteed to work or your sickles back! The glue was great, but what made Kevin cackle was the multiple boxes of Weasley Wizarding   
Wheezes, all collected from Filch's office.   
  
NOW, Kevin was in business.   
  


  
  
In the United States, two people wake up in the middle of the night, a familiar feeling of unease and dread creeping over them. They dismissed it as a fluke and went back to bed.   
  
Kevin was all the way over in Scotland, what mischief could he get into there?

  
  
It was time.   
  
Lord Voldemort stood before his troops, his loyal followers amassed behind him. Before him stood the last bastion of the Light, the last bolt hole for the Order of the Phoenix, Hogwarts.   
  
He watched the castle, normally bright and welcoming now cold and dark, the lights snuffed out. If those left of the Resistance thought they could hole up in the school then they were vastly underestimating his abilities.  
  
"My Lord," Bellatrix shivered beside him, her gaunt figure shivering in excitement while her wide eyes gazed hungrily upon the castle. "We only await your command."  
  
Yes, as they should. Voldemort thought, turning to face his followers. His inner circle stood behind him, wands ready. Fenrir Greyback stood apart from them, surrounded by shabbily dressed wizards and witches - his werewolves. Every one of them loyal and willing to see a rise of a new era of magic.  
  
"My friends," Voldemort drew his wand, pleased as the low murmuring stopped, leaving an eerie silence. "You have been loyal to me for years, and tonight your patience will be rewarded!"   
  
"The Order of the Phoenix," Voldemort paused to let a few boos die away. "Have been dealt blow after blow and last week we have had our greatest victory yet - Harry Potter is dead! At my own hands, the last hope for the Light has been extinguished. Now," He turned slightly, waving a hand to encompass the silent castle. "Now we attack their final strong hold, Hogwarts herself!"   
Voldemort smiled at the cheers, baring teeth and turned with his wand out. "Dementors, a fine feast awaits you."  
  
The Dementors did not hesitate, taking to the air and spreading out over the lake. Voldemort laughed as what little light remained disappeared under the fog of cold and misery the Dementors brought in their wake.  
  
And then everything went wrong.   
  
Unholy screaming erupted as the Dementors writhed, plunging into the lake to douse the flames erupting onto their bodies. Some one screamed as several Dementors flew back towards them, collapsing among the wizards. Silver cut through the air as Patroni were cast, the silver mist driving off the creatures, too late for three of his followers. Voldemort blasted the Dementors back, before pining one down a wave of magic.   
  
"What is the meaning of this?" He hissed, glaring down at the huddling figure. He ignored the fearful mumblings of the crowd behind him. "Answer me!"  
  
"Meow?"  
  
Voldemort watched in amazement as the Dementor flinched, curling in on itself as a small portrait floated, carried by a paper dragon. On closer inspection it was a plate with a kitten playing with a ball of yarn. It looked at the Dementor and mewed again, looking absurdly cute as it shimmered with magic.   
  
Voldemort hissed and blasted it with a curse. Each time the plate meowed it released a small wave of pure positive energy, driving away the Dementors. Looking up he could see more of the plates flying around, the paper dragons breathing fire onto fleeing Dementors.  
  
"What are you waiting for?" Voldemort roared at his Death Eaters. "Destroy them!"   
  
Wisps of black smoke took to the air as the Death Eaters scattered, spells flashing through the dark, hitting each firework with prejudice.   
  
And then.  
  
"Don't banish them!" Nott screamed, blasting away a dragon. He had vanished two bright red dragons only for them to multiply and surround him.   
  
He tried to move forward but the fireworks blew fire at him. He moved back and had to duck a from an attack from above. Frustrated he stopped moving in the middle of the ring of fireworks, temporarily becoming solid. He really shouldn't have done that, was his last thoughts as he fell into the waiting arms of the Giant Squid.   
  
"Can't stun them, they explode!" A witch called out. A firework went out with a loud bang, singeing Avery and Bolyan, who put out the flames with a curse.   
  
"Get them all in a group," Someone shouted, blowing past witches and wizards alike with three purple dragons on her tail. "We can shove them in the lake."  
  
A plan established the Death Eaters scrambled to obey, twisting and turning in circles. It took longer than planned as Death Eaters kept try to avoid both fellow wix and fireworks, some of collided in mid-air to create light shows or to triple the amount of dragons in play. Once the fireworks were all herded together the Death Eaters flew back as backup came with brooms, including a kelp covered Nott.    
  
"Blasting curses on three. One, two, TH-"  
  
"Meow, meow, meow-meow, meow," The cats chanted, blocking out the wizard as the fireworks started glowing bright red. So many fireworks in close proximity triggered their final spell.   
  
The Death Eaters were welcomed to Hogwarts with a spectacular fireworks show.   
  
Just not for the ones in the air.   
  


  
  
Inside the castle, Kevin put down his newly claimed Omnioculars. He pulled out a bulky radio and spoke into the speaker. "Enemy sighted, I repeat enemy sighted. The Welcome Dragons are finishing up, over."  
  
"We sees the lights! Everything is ready," Terry said over the radio.   
  
"Be careful Mr. McAllister," Nimby added. "We house elves will take care of things from our end, but you will be facing the wizards alone."  
  
"Gotcha," Kevin said, and clipped the radio into his belt. About 60 wix, 20 werewolves and who knows how many magical creatures were ready to take on the castle. The dragons would only slow them down, Kevin knew, but the real fun would start when they entered the castle.   
  
A castle that was very old, with many hidden passages and hiding holes. A castle that had loyal elves and a very stubborn young wizard who was practically an expert in alternative home security systems.  
  
And Kevin didn't have magic, or an army of elves and a magical castle back then.   
  


  
  
Harry Potter opened his eyes. He looked at the grey ceiling trying to remember what happened. He remembered camping, and the locket-  
  
He lurched up, grabbing at his neck for the chain that was no longer there. He looked around, taking in the unfamiliar bed and the rickety old furniture and patted down his pockets looking for his wand.   
  
"You up then?" A brusque voice asked from the doorway. Harry turned to see Albus Dumbledore standing sternly.   
  
"Professor?" Harry asked, confused. He finally managed to find his wand, and gripped the wood tightly. Dumbledore was dead, he thought frantically, I saw him die. Is this a trick?  
  
"Harry!" Hermione pushed past Dumbledore practically tackled him. He hugged her back, still confused as Ron came into the room behind her, staring intently at him.  
  
"You gave us a scare mate," Ron said. He looked tired, more than they have been lately, and there was a shiny new scar on his chin. Hermione looked just as frazzled, once she pulled away, her hair several inches shorter, fluffing around her head like a halo.   
  
"What happened?" Harry tried to ask, it came out a croak that had Hermione instantly pushing a glass of water into his hand. He drank greedily as his friends explained.   
  
"We're at Hog's Head, this is Aberforth Dumbledore-Professor Dumbledore's brother," Hermione said. "We didn't know where to go next, after the Ministry."   
  
And then Harry remembered. Disguising themselves as Ministry workers, getting the locket from Umbridge. The surprise ambush at the Atrium and the even more unpleasant surprise of Voldemort appearing. A flash of green light.   
  
"I- Vohe killed me, Volde-"   
  
"Don't say that name!" Aberforth thundered, making Harry flinch. "There's a taboo on it now, don't you pay attention?"  
  
"A-a what?" Harry asked.   
  
"It means You-Know-Who can track anyone who says his name, even past wards," Hermione said, settling next to him on the bed. Ron came over and place a hand on her shoulder as they both looked at him worriedly.   
  
"You got hit with the Killing Curse, and we barely managed to get you out,” Ron said. “At least we figured out you were breathing before we tried to bury you-ow!” Ron rubbed over where Hermione jabbed her elbow into his gut.   
  
Harry barely cracked a smile. The Killing Curse, again? The duel came back to him in bits and pieces. Voldemort caught him with the Killing Curse, Harry could remember seeing it in sickening clarity and then nothing.   
  
Wait.   
  
Not nothing. There was a station. A baby.  
  
And Harry remembered.  
  
"Harry!" Harry looked back at his friends, who apparently were calling him for a while.  
  
"I know where we need to go," Harry said breathlessly. Ron and Hermione exchanged a dubious glance and Aberforth, who Harry still wasn't quite sure about, looked on with raised brows.   
  
"We need to break into Gringotts."

 

* * *

  
Final Tally:  
  
Horcruxes remaining: Hufflepuff’s Cup, Ravenclaw’s Diadem, Nagini  
  
Enemies taken out: 10 Death Eaters -> WWW Fireworks  
  
                                30 Dementors -> Kittens on Fireworks  
  
Enemies remaining: ~50 wix, 35 werewolves, 100 Acromantula, 4 Giants, Voldemort


	2. Chapter 2

“Are you sure this is ok?” Harry hissed. He and Hermione were squashed underneath the Invisibility cloak on a small wagon while a disguised Ron and Aberforth marched up the stairs to Gringotts Bank. The cart wobbled as it floated behind the men, knocking pottery together and making the piles of bronze and silver instruments jangle.  
  
Hermione pinched him. “Be quiet,” She whispered. Harry looked at her indignantly, only to be met with an unimpressed glare as they weaved through the atrium of the bank. Hermione yanked him down again, shoving them further into the corner as Aberforth walked up to the open teller.  
  
“Name.” The goblin manning the teller kept his large eyes on the parchment in front of him, scribbling away with his quill.  
  
“Aberforth Kenneth Friedrich Thomas Dumbledore.”  
  
Harry exchanged a look with Hermione. Did everyone in Dumbledore’s family have multiple middle names?  
  
“Key,” The goblin drolled out. Aberforth drew out a copper key from his sleeve and tossed it on the desk. The goblin paused, and set it’s quill down. It picked up the key with the very tips of its claws, turning it to examine every centimeter. Finally it set the key down and pulled out a slip of paper. Stamping it, the goblin called out to another goblin, this one with more wrinkles on its face and greying hair and handed the paper over.  
  
“Wraither will take you,” The goblin said brusquely, eyes already fixated on its paper. “Next!”  
  
Harry breathed a sigh of relief as Wraither took them through a small hallway to the mine carts. Wraither climbed in first, followed by Ron and the wagon with Aberforth taking up the rear. The goblin yanked on a lever and the cart rolled down the tracks, gaining speed as it took swift turns and sharp dives into the bowels of Gringotts.  
  
  
They finally slowed to a stop in front of one a large vault when Aberforth pulled out his wand and smoothly stunned Wraither.  
  
“Keep your wand out,” Aberforth told Ron while he maneuvered the goblin so it looked like Wraither was still conducting the cart. A point-me spell gave them their heading and they were off, further down into the bank.  
  
Harry and Hermione yanked off the Cloak, keeping guard as they flew down the tracks. Harry saw a waterfall coming out of nowhere ahead of them.  
  
“Protego!”  
  
Apparently Hermione saw it too. They passed underneath the water easily, not a drop touching the cart.  
  
“Good thinking,” Aberforth said. “That’s Thief’s Downfall- the goblins know something is wrong.”  
  
Any further worries was put out of their head when the cart came to a screeching halt, knocking its passengers into each other. Beside them, again, was a vault door, this one even older with dark gleaming metal twisting in front of the door.  
  
Harry knocked the cups off his lap and climbed off, followed by his friends. Aberforth floated Wraither to the door before wrapping him in rope.  
  
“Enervate.”  
  
Wraither’s eyes snapped open and he gasped for air, struggling against his bindings.  
  
“Obliviate!”  
  
Harry waited with bated breath. This was one of the trickier parts of the plan. Wraither’s struggle ceased and his face relaxed, body going slack. The ropes vanished as the goblin opened his eyes and turned to the door.  
  
He waved an arm through the air in front of the door, which shuddered but stayed shut.  
  
“Any next of kin must give blood to gain access,” Wraither said.  
  
“What?” Ron said, exchanging a look with Harry. They didn’t plan for this.  
  
“The vault requires proof of blood for anyone not Madame Lestrange.” The goblin looked annoyed at their hesitance. “Place your hand on the door.”  
  
“Go on boy,” Aberforth said, giving Ron a significant look. Harry tried to protest, but Hermione looped her arm around his, digging her nails in sharply.  
  
“Don’t,” She hissed, keeping a blank face. “He’s a pureblood, there’s more blood shared between him and Bellatrix than any of us.”  
  
Harry’s heart thumped faster as Ron hesitantly stepped forward and placed his hand against the metal. He jumped when Ron yelped, cradling his hand protectively to his chest as drops of blood trailed down his wrists.  
  
Hermione hissed and pulled the injured hand towards her, casting healing spells to stop up the wound. Harry patted Ron on the shoulder as he and Aberforth watched the door disappear leaving an open doorway carved into rock. He could barely see anything from outside the vault.  
  
“Lumos.” Harry tossed the glowing bit of light deep from the tip of his wand into the vault, revealing piles of coins, jewelry and, disgustingly enough, skulls. He bit back a grimace and moved forward, peering around for the Cup. He had managed a sketch of the cup from memory, but his art skills were non existent, leaving him the only person who knew exactly what the hocrux looked like.  
  
Harry rubbed at his scar nervously. When Hermione asked him how he knew where all the hocruxes were he didn’t know how to explain it properly.  
  
How do you explain a train station that wasn’t a train station at all. Or the dead visiting for one last moment.  
  
He still felt warm from his mom’s hug.  
  
Whatever explanation he managed to spit out didn’t satisfy Ron and Hermione, but they still followed his lead, and Aberforth went along to help. Harry still wasn’t sure what to make of Dumbledore’s younger brother, but he was a powerful wizard, and with the information Harry had on the remaining horcruxes he was willing to put his lot in with Harry’s group.  
  
“Is that it?” Harry heard Ron ask. He looked back to see Ron pointing his wand up at a high shelf, and on it was Helga Hufflepuffs Cup.  
  
“Yeah, that’s it. Good job, Ron.” Harry said. The two of them back up out of the way as Hermione stepped forward. She pulled out a small vial from her handbag and with a tap of her wand the vial rose up to float above the cup. It uncorked itself with a small pop and everyone backed away. Slowly, under Hermione’s wand, the vial tipped and a clear fluid dribbled evenly over the surface of the cup.  
  
A beat passed, and just when Harry thought they failed the cup crumpled. Almost instantaneously the gold color dulled and cracks ripped through the badger embossed on the front of the cup as a horrifying screech rang through the vault, shaking the room.  
  
“Out!” Aberforth shouted above the death throes of the horcrux, and the trio didn’t waste time, scrambling out of the vault and onto the cart. Aberforth’s robes were barely out of the doorway when the door sprang back into existence, Wraither furiously glaring at them.  
  
“What is the meaning of this?” He hissed through bared teeth.  
  
“Exactly what we told you. Madame Lestrange request we destroy a dangerous artifact in her vault. We did. Now, will you take us to my vault so that we can finish this errand or should I request a goblin who understands the value of discretion?” Aberforth thundered, a thick aura of magic enveloping him. Harry had never seen a goblin cowed before, though Wraither kept giving them dirty looks as he guided the cart back to Aberforth’s vault.  
  
Harry didn’t care. All he knew was that they were one horcrux down, and he knew where the next two would be.  
  
Hogwarts.

  
  
“Evanesco, evanesco!” A Death Eater tried in vain to vanish the glue sticking his shoes to the steps leading up to Hogwarts.  
  
“Don’t bother, Wormwood just levitate yourself.” Another Death Eater called out, floating herself to the top of the stairs.  
  
Wormwood grumbled and trying not to feel ridiculous, cast the spell lifting himself out of his shoes and over the steps. This was not how he thought the attack was going to go. After the Dementors abandoned them over glass kittens the Dark Lord’s rage was palpable. Even from the back of the crowd he could feel the barely leashed magic wash over the assembled wix, leaving fearful silence in its wake as the Dark Lord blasted apart the remaining fireworks.  
  
He suppressed a shiver, floating faster to draw level with the witch from earlier.  
  
They reached the the top of the stairs, floating to the large doors the led to the castle where the others congregated.  
  
“What’s the matter?” Wormwood heard Maddow ask from behind him.  
  
“They can’t open the doors without releasing the levitation charms, and the ones that lost their shoes don’t want to be stuck while the buggers who still have shoes don’t want to end up like us sorry sods,” Kellian said with a disgruntled look at her own sock covered feet.  
  
The crowd in front of the doors got larger, while the bickering in the front got more heated. They couldn’t apparate or use their mist forms while within the wards of Hogwarts, so going on foot was the only option for invading the castle. Wormwood gave a nervous look back, where the werewolves and the bulk of their forces waited, ready to charge in if the people in the front could just open the doors!  
  
“Merlin’s balls, move you pathetic lumps.” Wormwood heard a witch snap. A flash later and the doors gave a great groan and opened outwards, making everyone move back.  
  
Wormwood’s heartbeat jumped, excitement thrumming in his veins. Finally, they could take Hogwarts, and they would finally united Great Britain under his Lord’s leadership. He pushed forward with the crowd, wand raised and spells ready.  
Only to shout as light burst from behind the doors, making the Death Eaters collectively flinch. Many lost control of the levitation charm and dropped to the floor.  
  
Then the screaming started.  
  
Wormwood had tears flowing down his face as he cradled his feet. Sticking out of his soles were brightly colored tacks, embedded deeply in his skin. Around him the Death Eaters who had no shoes wailed in pain, most with tacks piercing their feet along with the unfortunate ones who fell sideways, getting tacks stuck along the length of their bodies. Wormwood moaned as the pain seemed to increase, and pried one of the tacks off his heel. He tossed it aside as a set of black robes crouched in front of him.  
  
“Get them out of the way,” Wormwood barely heard as he was levitated up and away. “Watch out for more of the tacks, there could be more disillusioned on the steps.”  
  


  
  
At the front of the crowd Frazier sent blasting curses at the cameras still flashing away behind the doors. One by one they fell, and the last one let out a final snap before it fled, flying into the corridor leading to the dungeons.  
Frazier gritted her teeth and moved forward, stepping with bare feet into the castle. Behind her she could hear the moans of seven or so wix that had gotten taken out by a cowardly trick. She waited with bated breath for any sign movement, ready to curse any blood traitor or mudblood to pieces.  
  
“Is there anyone here?” She heard Gold whisper behind her as they moved to the staircase, covering their backs like they learned during Auror training.  
  
“It doesn’t matter. The first one that shows themselves is getting cut down,” Frazier growled, pointing her wand up at the stairs keeping an eye out for anyone on the landings above them.  
  
“Great Hall is clear!”  
  
“Dungeon Corridor is clear.”  
  
Fraizer cast the revealing charm, sweeping her wand in a circle around her. Blue light hit the stone, but didn’t change.  
  
“Stairs are clear, everyone move in!” Fraizer shouted back, lowering her wand but still keeping an alert eye as the rest of their forces gathered into the castle.  
  
The front hall was getting more crowded as wix piled in, followed by the werewolves. Fraizer wrinkled her nose as one of the beasts stood nearby, its shabby clothes barely held together and wild eyes taking in their surroundings.  
She straightened up when Bellatrix Lestrange skipped through the door, and looked back adoringly as the Dark Lord made his way up the steps.  
  
He was magnificent, the weight of his presence filled the air as everyone quieted down, waiting for his orders.  
  
“Is there no one to give us a proper welcome?” He asked lightly, red gaze sweeping over the assembled wix and wolves. Fraizer stayed still as the dark lord moved through the crowd. They parted in front of him as he came to a stop in front of the main staircase, just out of reach. Voldemort gazed around the hall and up the stairs, it truly seemed like no one was there. But that was impossible, the Order would not betray their former leader by leaving his school, nor would they give up a fortress  
  
It did not matter. Hogwarts would fall– and they would make sure to strip it down to the last flagstone.  
  
“Tell the giants to start with the greenhouses- the arcomantula will have run of the grounds, tell them to scale the walls – they can eat anyone they see.”  
  
He watched with satisfaction as a young wizard left to convey his orders, and turned to the rest of his followers.  
  
“Friends, we may have been caught by surprise. But it only shows how weak, how desperate our enemies have become, to rely on parlor tricks that no proper wizard needs to resort to. Take the castle.”  
  
They went.  
  


  
  
Fraizer took the first floor, joined by Yardley and Gibson, the two green recruits. Their families had been quietly loyal, supplying money and information to the Lord ever since Malfoy had gotten caught at the Ministry.  
  
“Incendio.” Gibson gleefully set fire to a tapestry, stopping to admire how the embroidered patterns lost their pearly sheen and blackened. Yardley frowned but didn’t stop him, focused on watching the doorways for an ambushes. Fraizer approved, keeping guard at their backs.  
  
“Come on, the faster we clear the floor the faster you can destroy things,” Fraizer said, for the third time, trying to keep both men on task. So far they haven’t seen a soul, and while Gibson took that as an excuse to goof off it put Fraizer on edge.  
  
It seemed too good to be true.  
  
“What was that?” Yardley suddenly looked to the right, at the doorway leading to an unused classroom, if Fraizer remembered from her days at Hogwarts.    
  
“Hold on.” Fraizer had to grab Gibson by the back of his robes to keep him from charging in. Way to excited, she thought. She should have joined Gold on the seventh floor, too many flights of stairs be damned.  
  
“There was something moving in that room, I heard it!” Yardley whispered, approaching the door slowly. Fraizer motioned for him to move back, happy that at least one person was listening to her when Yardley moved away obediently.  
  
“On three,” She said, and the two men nodded eagerly, both ready for their first fight. “One, two, three-!”  
  
She blasted the door open, and the men shot forward, casting spell in every direction. Fraizer followed behind, ready for anything.  
  
They weren’t ready for the house elf that squeaked and hid behind a table when they finally stopped casting at the walls to pay attention to their surroundings.  
  
“You, elf! Were you the one moving in here?” Gibson asked, pointing his wand at the sniveling creature.  
  
It jumped up, still behind the table, and answered Gibson. “Yes sir, I is cleaning sir.”  
  
“Where is everyone? We saw no one so far, where are they hiding?” Fraizer cut in before the dratted thing could start crying or some other inane action. She never did like house elves, their creepy large eyes bothered her.  
  
“I cannot answer that, Miss, I is a loyal Hogwarts elf!” The little thing puffed up, trying to look intimidating, but only managed to look pathetic in its little pillowcase.  
  
Fraizer rolled her eyes.  
  
“Kill it,” She ordered, turning to head out to the door. She ignored the little squeak behind her, reaching for the door knob.  
  
Wait, didn’t she destroy this door?  
  
Too late she realized her error as she opened the door and saw a solid wall where the hallway was. A loud snap made her turn to see Yardley and Gibson staring at a small box left on the desk where the elf was.  
  
“Where is the elf?” She marched over to tower over the two. The men looked more like boys, looking at each other in panic and back at her.  
  
“He was just there. He apparated away,” Yardley insisted.  
  
“You can’t apparate in Hogwarts you idiot,” Gibson said. he looked over to Fraizer.  
  
“It left this on the box.” He showed Fraizer a piece of parchment.  
  
“And you touched it? Hold still, I need to check it for curses.” She said, already casting away at both the parchment and the two men.  
  
“But, its a house elf, it can’t cast spells,” Yardley looked alarmed as the parchment tested negative for magic, but the box glowed in three different colors.  
  
“Any wizards still in the castle still can,” Fraizer snapped. She looked over the box with a careful eye. A compulsion to open the box, and a spell that affected the mind, both of which she got rid of quickly. She couldn’t figure out what the orange glow meant, and turned to the parchment.  
  
Dear reader, it read, solving the puzzle is the key to leaving the room.  
  
“Key to leaving the room? What kind of nonsense is this?” Frazier said, tossing the parchment down. She picked up the box, tearing open the brown packaging to reveal another box inside. The box, a cube really, had different colored squares on each face, in seemingly random patterns. Another piece of parchment was underneath it, with a picture of the cube, only the sides of the cubes had a cubes of single color.  
  
“What is it?” Yardley poked at the cube with his wand.  
  
“Who cares, just destroy it and we can leave,” Gibson said.  
  
Fraizer dropped the cube in disgust. “You can’t. If it is a puzzle, then we can’t get out without solving it.”  
  
“We can just-”  
  
“Destroy the walls? Good luck with that. It hasn’t been that long since you were at Hogwarts, don’t you remember how the trick rooms work?” Fraizer turned to Gibson with a judgmental look. Yardley looked between them, confused, and Frazier remembered that the other boy was homeschooled.  
  
“Some of the rooms can be spelled to get rid of the doors and windows till certain conditions are met- its a good testing ground for the NEWT Ancient Runes and Arithmancy students.” Fraizer would know, she took Ancient Runes at the NEWT level.  
  
"So we can’t destroy it?” Yardely asked.  
  
“No,” Fraizer said, lifting the cube and giving it a firm shake. She gave the other two a sour look at their surprised expressions when they heard a definite rattle coming from the cube. “Like the letter said, we’re stuck here till we solve the puzzle and get the key.”  
  
Gibson cursed, and Fraizer didn’t bother telling him to shut it. They were trapped.  
  


  
  
The best way to deal with multiple invaders who were both stronger and older than you, Kevin learned, was to divide and conquer.  
  
He ducked into a hidden alcove behind a set of armor on the third floor. He had been luring the two Death Eaters into the unused corridor and true to form, the two wizards chased after him, barely bothering to check which way they were turning.  
  
Cockiness, Kevin thought to himself, casting a spell to make the door down the hall slam shut, was something older people had in droves, especially when going up against someone younger and visibly weaker.  
  
It was ridiculously easy to take advantage of.  
  
“There!” The Death Eater hissed, pointing at the door. Kevin could barely make out their faces, but the one that spoke was definitely the taller of the two. They swept down the corridor, passing by Kevin’s hiding place without a second glance. They stopped in front of the shut door, exchanging a glance, and Kevin could hear how giddy they were.  
  
“Come out, come out bitty brat~” Shorty sang, pointing his wand at the door. He jerked his head at Tall, and wizard blasted the door open. The wizards stopped to let the dust settle before stepping through the door.  
  
“Look, on the ground.” Kevin heard. Instead of straining his ears more he picked up one of the Extendable Ears, making up the network he and the house elves spent most of Saturday setting up. The thread felt squishy and slightly wet when he touched it to his ear, but he could hear inside the room perfectly.  
  
“You ready?” Kevin heard Tall say. Shorty presumably nodded, since the next thing Kevin heard was the crunch of a broken nose, as the two wizards howled in pain. Kevin stifled a laugh as he heard the _boing!_ of the spring loaded punching gloves bouncing back into position. There was a shuffling sound, and nasally voice cast a blasting curse that Kevin knew would have not effect on the gloves. There was a creak as the springs tightened again, Kevin could see it in his mind. Hit with magic, the gloves would reset, and hit the only two moving objects in the room, the Death Eaters.  
  
There was a second yelp and the two wizards ran out of the room. Tall had a split lip, blood running into his dark beard while Shorty had both eyes blackened, and was having trouble walking. The two stumbled past Kevin, who took them down with a quiet ‘Stupefy’.  
  
Kevin stood over the two wizards contemplatively. He gave Shorty a light kick on the head and peered over to look at Tall’s face.  
  
“Oh, I recognize you!” Kevin snapped his fingers, looking at Tall. “You’re that Ministry guy who kept giving my dad paperwork to keep me out of Hogwarts.”  
  
Kevin paused, “You know, you gave my mom a lot of work back then.”  
  
To put it nicely. Kevin didn’t realize what was going on at the time, being thirteen and more concerned with getting into the theater club, but his parents had spent a stressful year just trying to get any magical school to take him in. The ones in America were aware of his proclivities - namely using accidental magic and technology to attack muggles (the self defense argument didn’t really count since all he had to do was call the police). It didn’t help that at the time everyone thought he was a squib, instead of his magic being very, very compatible with muggle technology. His mother had family in England, who managed to get in touch with Albus Dumbledore, who had offered him a seat at Hogwarts.  
  
Which led to Rowle, the wizard Kevin floated down the hall with his friend, both wrapped with ropes around their middle. The wizard had sent forms and every roadblock he could throw at Kevin’s family to keep him from attending Hogwarts.  
  
Kevin ignored the thumps of Rowle’s head hitting the doorway as he floated them next to the trap door.  
  
Kevin put them side by side, and with a wicked grin transfigured their pants so that Rowle’s left leg and Shorty’s right leg were in one pant leg.  
  
“The three legged man,” Kevin nodded to himself. He tapped the captured wizards wands against his thigh, thinking, before storing them in one of the extendable pockets sewn into his robes. He pulled out another wand, a faint WWW impression on the butt and placed it at the very edge of the trapdoor and then tossed the unconscious wizards down. There wasn’t anything to cushion their fall but Kevin quite frankly didn’t care.  
  
There was a crackle from the radio, and Kevin pulled it out to hear Franny’s frantic voice.  
  
“Emergency, emergency! Giants at the greenhouses!”  
  
Giants. Kevin gulped. He didn’t plan on Giants.  
  
Well, then.  
  
“I’ll be right there.”  
  


  
  
Giants were… giant.  
  
Kevin paused at a window overlooking the green houses, just taking in the size of the creatures. There were four in total, all at least 20 feet tall, their heads coming level with the tops of the green house. . The wards around the greenhouses kept them away, but Kevin could see the glow surrounding the buildings fade quickly. If he didn’t do anything soon, they would shatter under the giants feet.  
  
Wait.  
  
Weren’t two of the green houses out of bounds for younger years? Something about dangerous wildlife…  
  
The beginning of a a plan in mind Kevin rushed off, clambering past a statue of a golden woman and to the staircase hidden behind her pedestal. The stairs led to a small hall where the Hufflepuffs used to get out of the castle. Kevin stopped and took a deep breath. Making sure all his equipment was in place, he raised his wand and slipped out the door.  
  
He saw the greenhouses in the distance, and raced off. There were acromantula crawling all over the ground, and the minute their beady eyes caught sight of Kevin they were after him, gaining ground quickly.  
  
Still running Kevin grabbed a Portable Swamp from one of his pockets and tossed it behind him. It hit the ground in front of the acromantula and burst open, making the giant spiders skitter back, hissing. Kevin didn’t look back.  
  
If he did he would have seen the epic showdown of the Swap Alligators vs the Acromantula. A brutal battle where friends were lost, heroes were made and the photos the random house elf took made millions.  
  
The giants had spread out, two per greenhouse with their backs to the castle, and by association, Kevin. He pulled out a sweet from his pockets, brushing off the lint and popping it into his mouth. In seconds the Canary Cream transformed him into a small bird and Kevin took flight, flitting past the Giants as quickly as possible. He did not want to be around them when the pastry wore off.  
  
He banked right, onto the ground in front of Greenhouse 3, where the dangerous plants were kept. Including a particular plant that might save everyone’s bacon.  
  
He hopped forward, passing through the wards easily and looked up at the door warily.  
  
How exactly was he going to get in again?  
  
He flew forward, landing on the metal door handle. Nothing.  
  
Hop,hop.  
  
Nothing.  
  
Hop, hop, hophophophop.  
  
This was getting ridiculous.  
  
Hophoph- oh.  
  
With a puff of smoke Kevin was back to normal. He lunged and grabbed the handle, cursing when it wouldn’t budge.  
  
“Alohamora.” He tried, but the lock held firm. “Alohamora, oh come on!” He kicked the door and yelped when the door handle grew teeth and bit him.  
  
“Hey, do you want to be squished by Giants or not?” Kevin demanded. He kept an eye on the other giants, who had already managed to get past the wards of Greenhouse 1, and were bashing it down with clubs and ripping up the plant life with glee.  
  
The handle shuddered under his hand for a moment before it swung open with a quiet click.  
  
“Good door,” Kevin patted it absently as he stepped inside, looking over the rows of plants. There against the walls, their leafy stems quivering slightly, were what he wanted.  
  
He snatched a pair of gloves off a bench, pulling them on as he slowly, carefully moved one pot off the raised bench.  
  
Cradling it to his chest, he pulled out his walkie talkie, and paged Nimby.  
  
“Get everyone to the Come-and-Go room, ask for a room to block out noise. NOW.”  
  
Kevin didn’t wait for a response. He pocketed the walkie talkie and stepped out of the greenhouse. The giants had finished with Greenhouse 1 and moved on to the next one, closer to Kevin. He took a deep breath, focused on the road back to the castle, and ran.  
  
The pot dug into his chest as his legs took him father from the safety of the greenhouse. He skirted around the giants, trying to keep out of their sight.  
  
It was a nice try.  
  
A roar rang through the air and Kevin lunged to the side.The ground trembled as the giant pulled the club out of the ground and slammed it just in front Kevin. Kevin stayed flat on the ground, unmoving as the giant looked around for the speck it noticed earlier.  
  
It made a pass with its club, ruffling Kevin's hair and the boy hunkered down even further.  
  
The giant grunted and Kevin chanced a look up. The giant was turning its head back and forth, the club held tightly in its hands. Kevin shifted up slowly and froze again as the giant stopped, its nostrils flaring.  
  
Kevin stayed as still as he could, back arched over the pot one hand under his for balance and the other clutching his wand, trying to figure a way out.  
  
Pop  
  
“Mr.McAllister sir!” A house elf cried out. He meeped in fear as the giant let out a startled roar and raised its club.  
  
Three things happened at once.  
  
The house elf leaped in front of Kevin, hand outstretched to block the giant.  
  
Kevin hit the pot with a spell and grabbed the house elf’s pillow case. “The Come-and-Go room, hurry!”  
  
Just as the two popped away, the club hit the ground, making the pot jump into the air, shattering once it hit the ground.  
  
The cry of a mature Mandrake is fatal to those who hear it. And Kevin had cast a Sonorous charm on the plant.  
  
All four giants and several dozen acromantula died instantly.

 

* * *

 

Final Tally:  
  
Horcruxes remaining: Ravenclaw's Diadem, Nagini  
  
Enemies taken out:  
               23 Death Eaters:  
                    10 -> WWW Fireworks  
                    8 -> Tacks  
                    2 -> Trapped in 3rd Floor Corridor  
                    3 -> Trapped with Rubix cube puzzle  
  
               30 Dementors -> Kittens on Fireworks  
                4  Giants -> Mandrake Cry  
               46 Acromantula:  
                    7 -> Potable Swamp  
                    39 -> Mandrake Cry

  
Enemies remaining: ~37 wix, 35 werewolves, 54 Acromantula, Voldemort


	3. Chapter 3

"Ow." 

Kevin levered himself upright on his elbows, Thistle sprawled over his stomach. The house elf had gotten them both back to the Come-and-Go Room but somehow landed them on one of the towering stacks of items instead of the ground. 

"Mr. McCallister, sir!" Multiple high pitched voices squeaked in alarm as the rest of the house elves surrounded Kevin. Several hands came to drag Thistle gently off him and help Kevin up.

"Yeah, that's me." Kevin winced as he rolled his shoulders and leaned backwards till his back cracked with a satisfying snap. 

"Thanks, Thistle," Kevin gave the pale elf a thumbs up. "I couldn't have done this without you. Did everyone get in here on time?"

Around him the house elves scrambled to get into formation, making four rows of ten small, flappy eared defenders. In front of them Nimby stood looking over the elves, arms propped on her bony hips. 

"Everyone's is here and hale, Mr. McCallister," she reported, looking over Kevin as he brushed off the grass sticking to his knees. 

"Good, good. Let's all just, take a break for a minute. Until the mandrake stops crying."

Nimby looked alarmed. "Mandrake?" 

Kevin had the grace to look sheepish. "And a sonorous charm."

"Mr. McCallister!" 

"At least no one is hurt!" Kevin said. He crossed his arms and walked over to one of the 'miscellaneous' piles the elves organized. "We just need some really good ear plugs and we can check if the coast is clear."

It took them maybe half an hour to find a pair of old ear muffs, which Kevin immediately put on. It was then followed by three scarves, a towel and a rugby helmet, and that even spelled further by the elves. After they were sure Kevin could not hear anything they let him head out of the Come-and-Go room, watching him from behind, their own magic enhanced ear plugs in place, as he approached the door.

Kevin opened the door cautiously and peeked out.

He yanked his head back with a muffled yelp and red spell fire hit where his head was just a second ago. He pulled the door, falling back into the room as it closed. He pulled off his head gear and looked at the elves.

"So, good news and bad news," Kevin started. "Good news is that no one on the seventh floor's dead, so no death by scream." He paused to let the elves express their relief at the news. Not a single one moved a muscle, staring at him with wide, fixed gazes. Creepy, Kevin shuddered before continuing. "Bad news is that we have

Death Eaters on this floor, at least three at the end of the hall and they know we're here."  
Silence reigned for a minute, and then-

"Bowling?" a young house elf offered up, holding a black ball. Viscous grins spread among the elves and as one they snapped their fingers, each ending up with a similar ball in their hands. 

Kevin blinked slowly. 

“We’s take care of this floor, Mr. McCallister,” Nimbly said. Did her teeth always look that sharp, Kevin wondered as he stepped aside, leaving the elves to it. 

One elf stood next to the door, fingers ready as the elves lined back up in rows of three facing the door, each row alternating between elves with bowling balls and those that did not. When Nimby nodded the elf by the door snapped her fingers and the door slammed out with a bang. There was a cry of pain and a crunching noise, then shouting and spell fire filled the air.

 But the house elves had already made their move.

The first row smoothly rolled their bowling balls out and ducked out of the way. The second row of elves were already moving, blocking spells with various toys and scraps, banishing them back to the wizards before moving out of the way for the next row. There had to be magic involved with the balls, as before Kevin's eyes they rolled faster and faster, some growing in size to smash into knees and stomachs, leaving yowling Death Eaters in their wake. 

The three Death Eaters in front of the door tried to retreat, one of them, crawling away, the other two not in any better shape when ropes flew out of the room. Under the guidance of two house elves the rope wrapped itself around each Death Eater and with a final snap they were banished down the hallway, out of sight. 

"For Hogwarts!" Nimby's battle cry rang out and the elves ran out the door. Kevin followed, peeking around the side of the door. At one end of the hallway were the three beaten Death Eaters piled together in front of a cheering portrait. At the other end of the hallway, near the opening leading to the staircase stood...

"I am never, EVER, making house elves mad." Kevin said with conviction as all eleven Death Eaters were bowled over by nine bowling balls the size of large basketballs and growing. Oh they tried to fight back, Kevin supposed, but the house elves took to popping out of the way of any spells, and the Death Eaters made perfect bowling pins by not moving from their spots.

Kevin applauded as one by one each Death Eater was tied up and left in a pile. Kevin made himself useful and relieved each one of their wand, slapping a piece of duct tape over their mouths if they threatened him.

Which was always, Kevin thought, smoothing out the grey tape on one wizard. "That's gonna sting when you take it off." Kevin informed him cheerfully, ripping another piece off to make an X shape, covering as much of the wizard's beard as possible.

"Good work, team," Kevin straightened up, looking over the assembled elves carefully. One of them had gotten grazed by a cutting curse, but he saw the elf standing strong, a swath of bandages covering his arm. Everyone else looked unharmed and Kevin breathed a sigh of relief. "Are the balloons still ready to go?"

"They are ready!" Thistle squeaked. He was the one in charge of them, so Kevin trusted that if the balloons were messed with he would know.

"Great, lets get everyone into place then. Do we have ears on the puppies?" Kevin hurried down the hall, leaving the tied-up Death Eaters under the careful eyes of the Fat Lady and her tea party. He took the hall down to the main staircase, peering over the edge.

"Oops!" Kevin ducked out of sight as Death Eaters on the stairs caught sight of him. "Milly!"

Kevin ran back down the hall, ducking into the Come-and-Go room when Milly popped in with a rattling case.

"Death Eaters on the stairs, go wild," he said, grabbing a satchel and stuffing as many useful items he could find into it. He pauses over a battered crown and with a shrugs pockets that as well. "I'm going down with Thistle to take care of our dog problem."

"Sir yeses sir!" Milly saluted before popping away. Kevin adjusted the satchel on his shoulder and headed out of the room. He paused in the hallway, ear cocked to the side till he heard a loud crash and shrill screams traveling from the staircase where Milly just released all of Hogwart's bludgers. 

Confident that Milly could take care of herself, Kevin nodded to a portrait before sliding down a hidden passage to the first floor. 

  
The Great Hall was one of Kevin's favorite parts of Hogwarts. He couldn't stop looking up at the ever-changing ceiling each meal, watching clouds drift lazily along an invisible wind during the day and stars blink into existence in a navy backdrop. 

The same ceiling now was a dark, stormy grey, making the large hall seem smaller, the atmosphere tense. Or maybe it was due to all the Death Eaters walking around.  
Kevin, hidden behind one of the panels behind the Head Table carefully slid the panel to see out.

Three scruffy looking wizards, the werewolves, given how the rest of the room stayed away from them, were standing stiffly at the side of the room while five other wix stood guard at the two entrances to the hall. The room was fuller than he expected but Juri, the House elf he had on lookout sent word that reinforcements arrived as they were picking off the Death Eaters in the castle.  

And sitting with his creepy snake curled under his seat in the Headmaster's chair was Voldemort himself.

He stole my seat, Kevin thought crossly, as he stayed very still, angling the mirror away from Nagini to the ceiling, where under mass disillusionment charms balloons floated, unseen by the people below. At least one hundred wix strolled around the room, double the force originally brought to Hogwarts. They stayed in the Great Hall, probably learned their lesson when Kevin's traps picked off the small groups one by one. Actually, it explains why there were so many Death Eaters on the seventh floor, they probably wanted to go from the top down.  

Slowly, he eased the panel closed and crawled down the hidden hallway to where Thistle was waiting, too far for their voices to be overheard by any of the Death Eaters.

"Everything ready?" Kevin tugged his bag of goodies firmly around his shoulder. Thistle nodded, hopping from one foot to the other, the walkie-talkie in his hand.

Kevin took in a deep breath and exhaled. 

"Alright," he took the walkie-talkie from Thistle and paged Nimby. "Attention, attention. Plan Flying Fidos is a go."

There was a squeak of confirmation through the walkie-talkie before Kevin pocketed it, crawling through the corridor till they found their way in an offshoot hallway outside the Great Hall. 

Kevin could see the two witches guarding the open entrance to the Great Hall, wands out and by their sides, look out for any surprise attack.

Like the one happening now.

Shouts and spellfire echoed down the halls as wix and werewolf alike ran, harried by the toothed pages of several dozen editions of Monsters book of Monsters gleefully 'lost' by third year Hogwarts students. The books flew through the air, flapping their bindings and dive bombing the Death Eaters below. Kevin thought he saw blood lining the mouth of one book while another shook violently, tearing the bit of robe in its maw to pieces. 

One of the witches at the doorway just stared at sight while the other came to her senses, pushing up her spectacles and casting a sickly yellow curse at one of the books. They both dove out of the way when the running mob didn't stop, charging into the Great Hall without care for who was in the way. Miss Spectacles rolled to her feet, face turning an interesting shade of red when the next wave of books came through, funneling even more wolves and Death Eaters into the Great Hall, all hosting a collection of bite marks and paper cuts from the ravenous horde. 

Kevin pulled two soft round pod from his bag and banished it to the floor in front of the wolves. They were promptly squashed, releasing eight liters of soapy water, slicking the ground as wolves slipped and fell into each other, easy pickings for the bloodthirsty flock of books.  

His walkie-talkie crackled, Kevin put it up to his ear.

"All the werewolves are accounted for," Nimby said shortly, sounding out of breath.

"Even the ones on the upper floors? The books looked like they only came from the second floor and the dungeons," Kevin whispered, keeping an eye out for the witches down the hall. Already he could hear the screams from Voldemort’s victims in the Great Hall, and the witches were taking aim at the swarm of books from behind sets of armor. 

"We's got the wolves, Mr. McCallister," Nimby said. "The rest of the intruders are all on your floor and the castle grounds."

Kevin took a deep breath. "Alright. See you on the flip side, Nimby." Kevin lowered the walkie-talkie and gave Thistle, who waited silently beside him, a firm nod. 

Thistle snapped his fingers, and the balloons popped in succession, like bubblewrap in an eager baby’s chubby fist.

Not that Kevin knew from experience, of course. 

All hell broke loose.

See, the funny thing was that werewolves, for all that they were feared and hated by wizards, were pretty much normal except for the week of the full moon. They couldn't transform if the moon wasn't full, but their non-human nature was closer to the surface.

Like increased sensitivity to silver.

And wolfsbane.

Both of which were finely grounded and packed into the balloons Kevin, Thistle and three other house-elves placed on the ceiling of the Great Hall. 

If the screams were loud before they were deafening now as every werewolf was dosed in the poisonous mixture. Kevin heard spells shouted out as wix retaliated against the werewolves lashing out at anything in their vicinity, several of them managing to run out of the hall and out the front entrance, their skin red and weeping from self inflicted scratches. Kevin would have felt bad about it but he heard their orders, and saw the bloodlust as they scoured the castle for some “live prey”. 

Besides at the concentrations he used it wasn’t going to KILL them, just put them out of the game for a while. And given that at least two of them tried to bite him earlier he wasn’t feeling magnanimous. 

The last of the werewolves that could still move ran out, knocking down the two witches still fending off the books. Miss Spectacles finally lost her temper, and jabbed her wand out viciously. 

" _Fiendfyre_ ," she hissed as hot flames flew out the end of her wand, curling into shapes and flying off towards the books. 

"Oh no," Kevin breathed out, as he and Thistle dodged out of their alcove, barely ducking a screaming flame griffon, and ran down the hall, followed by several books that were quick enough to avoid the initial flames. Kevin yanked out whatever he had in his bag, more pods, rope, a fancy collapsible telescope he really wanted to use.

Everything was thrown backwards at the flames, which consumed them and demanded more.

Fire roared, racing through the halls and setting the air above the grand staircase on fire. With a squeak of alarm Thistle tackled Kevin, sending them tumbling down the stairs to the dungeons as the curse flared over their heads and hissed against the stone walls. 

Kevin grunted as Thistle continued to push, turning them over to crawl the rest of the way down the stairs towards a hidden passage. He just got his knees to cooperate when he was dragged up and backwards through the air until he came to a sharp stop. 

His feet swung above the stone and his arms clutched his bag to his chest as he dangled from his jacket collar right in front of Lord Voldemort.

"Well, well," Voldemort said softly, looking at Kevin with the quiet regard of a predator towards its prey. Like a cat playing with a mouse between its claws, only this cat was tall, gaunt and was missing a nose.

Voldemort's nostrils flared then, and he twisted his wand slowly. The invisible bindings around Kevin tightened and pushed a pained grunt out of his chest. 

"I am going to ask this only once, my dear little mouse," Kevin blinked, eyes fixed on Voldemort's own. "Where is the Order of the Phoenix?" 

The Order of the what? Kevin looked at Voldemort incredulously. He had no clue who or what they were, and if they were in the castle it was news to him. 

"I see."

 Wait, see what? Kevin didn't say a word, it was not like Voldemort could... read... minds...

"Oh crap," Kevin whimpered as a faint smile curled around Voldemort's lips. 

"My Death Eaters, see before you the great resistance you claimed to fight tonight. The Dementors and Giants and Acromantula. Greyback’s werewolves. All taken down not by remnants of the Order of Phoenix, but by a little boy." Several faces flinched from behind Voldemort, cowering at the venom flowing sweetly from the Dark Lord's mouth. "This is what you have called for reinforcements from the Ministry for. A student not even from pure stock."

"I will grant you a mercy Kevin McCallister; for your futile efforts, a quick death." Kevin's heart beat in his throat as the yew wand flicked out pointing at the middle of his chest. "Avada Kadavra!"

Green light shot out, and Kevin closed his eyes as something burned against his chest and he was dropped to the floor.

Heat and light burst behind his eyes as his head cracked against the floor and Kevin curled up, pain dominating his brain while around him something screamed.

Something tugged his back and shoulder, the straps of his bag digging deep through his robes before they snapped, dropping Kevin back again, letting him catch his breath.

Wait, breath?

Kevin blinked the tears out of his eyes and looked up at Voldemort, who had dug a smoking, blackened piece of metal out of his bag, looking at it with disbelief that quickly turned into rage. Kevin faintly recognized it as the tiara he took from the Come and Go room. 

"You!" Voldemort shouted, his face twisting into something even more inhuman. Kevin scrambled back, hands and feet pushing him across the floor to get away from the furious magic lashing out and making the air harder to breathe.

A small pop sounded behind him and in one second Nimby was tackling him away from another Killing curse, and the next they were gone, popping into the Come and Go Room. 

"Who the hell are you?" An unfamiliar voice demanded. 

Kevin lifted his throbbing head with a groan, came face to face with Harry-Bloody-Potter and collapsed again. 

  
Kevin woke up and crossed his eyes at the wand hovering over his nose. 

"You ok, kid?" A freckled redhead boy, several years older than Kevin asked. Ronald Weasley, his brain supplied a second later, one of the two friends of Harry Potter. Which meant...

"Harry Potter," Kevin said, a hazy calm settling over him. "I thought the papers said you were dead." It had caused a ruckus during breakfast too, just days before Voldemort took over the Ministry of Magic.

Professor McGonagall had to excuse herself. Professor Flitwick straight out cried.  

"It's complicated. Look, kid-"

"Kevin."

"-Kevin, right. What's going on? We just got here and Hogwarts is..." Potter trailed off. Kevin could understand. After all, to a lesser mind Kevin's machinations and traps would seem juvenile and improbable.

"Have you been using house elves to fight the Death Eaters?" Granger, bushy hair crackling with fury stood behind Potter, wearing a jumper that looked ragged. They all in fact, Kevin realized, looking at the three's frayed clothing and tense postures, looked a little rough. Whatever they were up to the last few months wasn't fun.

"They volunteered. Besides, no one's dead," Kevin said as multiple voices pipped up in agreement. Granger huffed but Nimby stepped forward, sending a quelling glare over the room. 

“Mr. McCallister is a good boy who helped defend the Castle and us elves from the evil wizards,” she said, her tone firm and chiding. “Ms. Granger, Mr. Weasley and Mr. Potter why are you here? And how did you get to the room?”

Kevin tried to listen to the explanation of a secret tunnel magically linked to the Come-and-Go room but was besieged by elves for the umpteenth time that day, a potion shoved into his hand as he was prodded into sitting up and drinking it. 

Immediately he felt his aches ease, the tension in his back gone as he slumped against the mound of pillows the elves shoved him against. Small hands pushed the potion against his lips again and with a grimace he swallowed down the rest, ignoring the taste of mud and lint. His headache, something he had been ignoring all night, disappeared.

“Why do all the things that are good for you taste awful?” Kevin asked, taking a glass of water from Thistle. He said his thanks around the glass, too eager to get the taste out of his mouth. 

“-and that is what is happening now, Mister Potter,” Nimby said, finishing her explanation to the trio sitting around her. 

"Right," Potter seemed overwhelmed. "Do we know how many-?"

"93 wizards and witches are in the castle, Acromantula are on the grounds and the big snakey," one of the elves reports, listening to an extendable ear. "Juri says mores brooms coming but the wolves be gone." 

"Right." All three of them looked grim at the numbers. "Ok, Hermione, see if you can get the DA and any member of the Order here. Ron, you help her, I'm going to look for the diadem," Potter ordered, heading for the door. 

"Diadem?" Kevin asked. 

"Ravenclaw's Diadem, we don't have time to explain but we need it to destroy Voldemort," Granger said, tapping her wand to a golden coin. 

"Um, is it a crown, silver, with some sparkly stones on it, about this big?" Kevin held up his hands about a head space apart. The Golden Trio froze and look at him. 

"Do you know where it is?" Weasley asked urgently.

"Mr. No-Nose cast a killing curse at it when he tried to hit me. It, uh, got destroyed."

The look on their faces started to annoy him. What, if it was so important then it wouldn't be lost in the junk room. 

"That leaves the snake," Weasley looked gleeful while Potter started laughing. "Bloody hell he destroyed one of his horcruxes for us!"

"What's a horcrux?"

Three faces suddenly panicked faces, like someone who got asked where babies come from by a five year old, exchanged quick looks. Huh, Kevin thought that was a thing only married people could do. 

"It's only Nagini left, and he knows what traps there are better than we do," Weasley pointed out. 

Granger rolled her eyes and turned to Kevin. "You-Know-Who cut up pieces of his soul to make him immortal. We've been tracking them down and destroying them, only the Diadem and the snake he carries around were left. We destroy the snake then He can die."

Succinct and to the point, kill the snake, kill the Dark Lord, save the world.  
  


* * *

 

Final Tally:  
  
Horcruxes remaining: Nagini  
  
Enemies taken out:  
                69 Death Eaters:  
                    10 -> WWW Fireworks  
                    8 -> Tacks  
                    2 -> Trapped in 3rd Floor Corridor  
                    3 -> Trapped with Rubix cube puzzle  
                        15 -> House elf Bowling Club  
                    4 -> Bludgers on the Stairs  
                    27 -> Werewolf Stampede  
                      
  
                30 Dementors -> Kittens on Fireworks  
                  4 Giants -> Mandrake Cry  
                46 Acromantula: 46  
                    7 -> Potable Swamp  
                    39 -> Mandrake Cry  
                35 Werewolves -> Poisoned Balloons and Vicious Literature

  
Enemies remaining: 93 wix (reinforcements), 54 Acromantula, Voldemort


End file.
